Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
