The maid of honor just puked.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
