Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
