Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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