Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
