I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
