I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
