it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
