those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
