How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
