come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
