Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
