I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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