Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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