i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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