I think I died a long time ago.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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