The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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