Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
