you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
