i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i believe in u and ur pee
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
