69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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