I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
