don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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