woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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