I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
