New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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