i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
