Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
