I CAN MOONWALK!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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