a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
