how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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