apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
