matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
