I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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