I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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