Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
