im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
