We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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