and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
