My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
