I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the raccoons are back...
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