I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
