I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
