when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
