I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
