i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
