You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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