I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
