Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
