i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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