is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
