I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
