Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
