I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
